A Story About A Hat
This is a short story about a hat and a will that I wrote during our February Not Residency week.
Once, in a city a little gloomier than most, there was a man who wore his will as a hat.
When he took his will to the hatmakers's the hatmaker said with a questioning tone, "A will, as a hat, what a novel idea!".
To which the man replied, "Not a novel. That would be much too large. I want you to make my will into a hat. It should be fit for all occasions. Please do not make the brim too large. I dislike large brims. They are the height of fashion"
"And why," said the hatmaker, "Would you care to wear your will as a hat?" This was going a bit too far and the man gazed haughtily down his glasses at the hatmaker.
"I am a very rich man" he said simply. "Ah," said the hatmaker with an air of comprehension, "of course, Sir. It will be ready by next Tuesday".
"I shall pick it up on Monday" the man responded and walked out of the shop.
This exchange tells you much of what you need to know about the man with the hat. But you should also know that he had 3 adult sons. He no longer had a wife. She had left many years ago for a city that was a little less gloomy than average, where the people were prone to dancing and very fond of parades and except for a postcard at Christmas, her sons never heard from her.
The man was very fond of his Hat-Will and wore it nearly every day. Sometimes he wore it so his net worth could be seen (if one looked closely), from the front, so that people greeting him would know how important he was and sometimes he wore it round the back so that people standing behind him would feel how small they were.
Every morning, the man would wake up early, eat his boiled egg with the yolk removed and a black coffee. After shaving carefully, he would walk to the city park where he would sit on a bench with the real estate section of the newspaper and wait for dogs to approach him. There were many dogs in this city, big and small, curly and sleek. The man loved nothing more than to wait for a dog to approach him eagerly, their tail wagging like a metronome, their paws up to greet him. Then, with great satisfaction, he would turn to their owner and loudly scold them for the poor behavior of their animal. Or if the owner, was not in sight, to proclaim loudly "Whose dog is this? This is a PUBLIC park. I don't pay taxes for a KENNEL"
Unfortunately, while the humans got wise to him, the dogs never did and so he passed many pleasant years.
Eventually however, as happens to all, his fuel ran dry. A human cannot exist purely on bile and egg whites. One day in late summer, while the man snipped at a doe-eyed labrador, his heart finally gave out and he slumped sideways on the bench. In that moment, a gust of wind blew sharply through the park, spiraling down the path and lifted the hat from his husk and into the bright blue sky.
When, finally, his body had been found (it was the dogs who alerted the police), the missing will caused great consternation.
"What a stupid idea that hat was to be sure" said his eldest son, also known as Simon.
"What do you mean there is no copy?" said his middle son, Benjamin.
"It must be found!" said Isaac, the youngest.
All three were sitting in the office of their father's lawyer, a man so dry and papery and ancient it seemed he himself should be handled with gloves. The man shrugged. "Your father's hat was the only copy of the will. I did warn him that without redundancy, he made himself victim to the vulnerabilities of circumstance, but he demurred to take my suggestion of filing a copy with me here, at this location"
"What happens if the will cannot be found?" asked Isaac. "In the event of the absence of a notarized will the estate, such as remains after final debts and payments, would be split with an equal distribution between his remaining heirs"
"You mean, it would be split between the three of us?" Simon said, distaste clear in his voice.
"That is what I said" the lawyer crackled.
"Well that won't do" said Benjamin, who privately fancied himself the most beloved of the sons, having once heard his father refer to his elder and youngest brothers as not qualified to scratch their own asses.
"Certainly not" said Isaac, who recalled his father lamenting the birth of his eldest and middle sons as a waste of workday.
In this the brothers were, for the first time since their mother had left for sunnier shores, united.
So it was that the Sunday after their father's death they met in the city park to try and discover the will.
"I shall take the upper woods. Benjamin, you the lower woods, and Isaac you shall search the great lawn" said Simon, taking charge.
Benjamin and Isaac looked at each other meaningfully. This is what they had both expected, for the upper woods were by far the likeliest place for the will to have alighted. It will be no surprise to you, that neither trusted that the will, if found in the upper woods, would make it to both of them intact.
"Let us all take the upper woods," Isaac said quickly, "With three pairs of eyes, we shan't let a thing slip past us". "Indeed," said Benjamin before Simon could react. "I was about to say much the same myself"
Simon scowled, but said nothing.
So the brothers spent the day combing through the upper woods, which in late summer was a dappled paradise of honeyed clearings and cool green canopy.
"There are far too many trees," Benjamin proclaimed after an hour of tramping. "I don't understand why the city stands for it"
"I much prefer lawn. When I inherit, I shall rip out mother's scraggly old garden and replace it with turf" said Isaac, betraying the bent of his mind.
Simon and Benjamin said nothing, feeling that as older siblings it was not in their role to dash the youngest's delusions, but each privately in agreement that of all their father's peculiarities not getting rid of their mother's abandoned flower garden was one of the strangest.
At the end of 4 hours of searching they had found several empty chip bags, a dog eared copy of A Traveler's Guide to Japan, 1993, 2 quarters, and a rubber band.
"Well, the old man never made anything easy" said Benjamin with a sigh. His brothers' nodded. "Shall we meet here again, next weekend?"
"Yes," said Isaac, "But let us also swear to not search before that, but only together. So that if it is found there are no questions."
"Indeed" agreed Simon and Benjamin, both privately disappointed.
The next weekend, which was an unusually hot one, the brothers searched the lower woods. This time they were rewarded with a half-used packet of gum and an unopened bottle of diet coke
This they drank, recovering on a shaded park bench halfway through the afternoon, passing the bottle back and forth. Each was certain to wipe his sleeve across the top before drinking, but the cool drink quenched their thirst.
"Surely, it must be in the Great Lawn" said Simon. "It must," said Benjamin, "I thought so all along." "Next weekend then?" said Isaac.
But the Will–Hat was not on the Great Lawn, nor snagged on the bushes of the Pensioner's Glen, nor spiked by the reeds surrounding the Little Pond.
By this time, autumn had tightened her grip and the leaves were beginning to fall from the trees.
"Surely now, we'll find it, with the tree cover gone" said Isaac, munching on a sandwich that Simon had bought, but which turned out to have mayonnaise a thing that Simon could not stand. Waste, being another thing Simon detested, he had handed it to his brother.
"This is quite good, Simon" said Benjamin, munching on the other half. "I wonder you don't like mayonnaise"
"It's too creamy" said Simon. "I like a bite to a sandwich" "I have a recipe for pickled onions" said Isaac "They add a good tang"
"Where shall we search next weekend, by the Tennis Courts?" asked Benjamin "It must be there" said Isaac with authority.
"Actually," Simon said, "The weekend after? It's my daughter's birthday party. I'm in charge of the carnival stand"
Isaac and Benjamin were silent for a moment. They both remembered receiving postcards invitations to Simon's wedding which they had refused with frigid politeness, in the spirit with which they had assumed the invitation had been sent.
It had not occurred to either until that moment, that any daughter of Simon's was necessarily a niece of their's.
"Of course" said Benjamin politely "One cannot miss a child's birthday" he added recalling many of his own which had been attended chiefly by his brothers and their nanny before their father had decided they were men enough to not need a woman looking after them.
But the next weekend was the last spell of good Autumn weather and by the time the brothers met again the snow had started to blow and still the will was missing.
"We cannot give up," said Benjamin, clapping his hands together to keep warm. "Certainly not," said Simon. "How about I bring a thermos of hot tea, next week?" said Isaac. "Then we'll be able to continue our search effectively without getting too cold" "Good idea, Isaac" said Simon. "I shall bring some sandwiches. Did I tell you I tried your pickled onion recipe? It's quite good, but I think next time I shall add coriander"
But despite the thermos of tea and sandwiches, and the bag of cookies from the pastry round the corner, courtesy of Benjamin, the next weeks proved fruitless. The deep piles of leaves obscured where the hat might have fallen and the patches of ice made it treacherous to wade too far off the path.
By early December, the winter had roared in, blanketing the city park with snow.
"I heard on the radio," said Benjamin as they tramped through the hedgline, peering beneath bushes "That it's the coldest winter since '95"
Simon scoffed, "'95 doesn't hold a candle to '83. Do you remember that winter? We made a snowman twice as tall as Isaac and used his gloves as ears. " He clapped Isaac on the back, who looked startled at the gesture.
"And then, we all dried off in father's bathroom and spent the afternoon watching cartoons on the rug. He was furious at the puddles" Benjamin recalled.
"And mother ordered us chinese takeout for dinner..." said Isaac. The three brothers fell into silence.
"I remember," said Simon slowly. "We all opened fortune cookies" "And she cried" said Benjamin. "She wouldn't let us read hers" Isaac said.
There was another long pause.
Benjamin interrupted "Well there is plenty of snow now. Shall we make another snowman?" Isaac coughed into his scarf, "I think I am a little taller than I was"
Simon said cooly, "I hadn't noticed". But the corner of his lip twitched and so Isaac knew not to take it seriously.
There was not much hope in the early months of the new year that the will might be found, for colder than '83 or not, the snow refused to melt. It lay in great icy heaps all across the park.
Still the brothers met weekly, afraid or so they told themselves of one getting the jump on the others. Often though, it was too difficult to walk the paths, so they found themselves sitting on their father's old bench, where for lack of anything better to do, they found themselves discussing their weeks.
Isaac found that his brothers had quite good advice to give on his negotiations at work and Simon was always curious what new recipe Isaac was testing. Benjamin, quieter than both, simply relaxed in the presence of two people who did not ask much of him.
The snow melted in late February, but around that time, Isaac had to take a work trip for several weeks and so by the time the brothers' were able to meet again it was true spring, the leaves unfurled from their resting places and the trees and bushes bursting with new growth.
Here, at last they had some luck.
They were in the lower woods, discussing Isaac's work trip and whether the cute waitress at the coffee shop there had in fact been flirting with him (Isaac was sure she was not, but Simon and Benjamin who claimed greater wisdom were sure that she had been) when Benjamin looking up, let out a shout.
"Look" he exclaimed, "UP THERE".
And there it was. Nestled into a tree branch, flush with fresh leaves was their father's Will.
All of them felt an excitement crackle through them.
There was some debate about the best way to get up the tree, but at last they decided that Isaac as the youngest, should be the one to climb, but that once up there he would dislodge the hat so that Simon and Benjamin could catch it together.
"I'm surprised we never saw it before," said Benjamin perplexed. "We've been to every tree in this park"
Isaac began to climb, his brothers gathering around the base of the tree. They were none of them as young as they had once been. "Hold on tight, Isaac" commanded Simon, "Plant your feet!"
As Isaac began to inch up the tree, it began to dawn on all of them that at last their great search was over. They had caught their white whale and finally, finally all would be revealed. At last they would know to whom the fortune would go. At last they would know whose image had been graven on their father's shriveled heart.
"Well, I certainly hope it is me, " thought Simon to himself. "But, if it were Benjamin, then he could finally afford a place large enough for all of his cats. I don't think all that dander is healthy for him"
"Simon was just saying that he thinks Andrea would do better in a private school," thought Benjamin, "But with Isaac's school loans he isn't able to save a penny"
Their thoughts were interrupted by Isaac calling down to them, hesitantly. "Simon, Benjamin. I'm up here, and it is father's hat, I can recognize his handwriting. But, some bird has made it into a nest. There are three eggs in it."
"Eggs!" exclaimed Benjamin, who was a bit of a birder. "Can you describe them?" Isaac described the eggs and their speckling.
"Ah! The lower spoonfeeder!" said Benjamin with delight. "It's unusual for them to nest this far south"
"Ah, the lower spoonfeeder of course!" said Isaac, who had never heard of the bird before, "well in that case..." he hesitated. "Perhaps we should wait until the eggs hatch before we take the hat"
"That seems...the right thing" said Simon. "After all, the estate doesn't need to be settled immediately. The answer is up there. It shan't change"
"Great," said Isaac with relief. "Help me down".
All that spring the brothers continued to visit the birds' nest, spying on the mother and father bird who returned throughout the day to warm the eggs.
Benjamin brought his binoculars to show Andrea, who had accompanied her father one Sunday when gymnastics was canceled. He pointed out the characteristic plumage of a spoon–feeder. She was quite taken, with the bird and with the uncle.
Therefore, it was the whole family who was in attendance on the April day the eggs cracked and the thirsty young beaks squalled their arrival on planet earth.
The brothers looked at each other "They are quite scrawny" said Isaac, who knew nothing of birds but was moved, almost to tears, by their raw and bedraggled appearances. "We should wait until they can fly" said Simon firmly. "They are too young. We cannot remove their home"
"Uncle Isaac, will you show me that trick with the quarter again," Andrea said pulling on his sleeve and the conversation moved on.
On a day in late May, the brothers were strolling through the park, discussing a book which Benjamin and Isaac had read recently, when they decided to check on the nest again.
To their surprise, when they arrived at the tree, there was no customary chatter of birds. Only silence.
"I do believe," said Simon slowly. "That the birds have flown", he pointed to a fragment of shell on the ground.
"Good for them!" said Benjamin enthusiastically, relieved to not see any smashed baby bird alongside the shell.
"Well..." said Isaac. "Simon, you shall have to climb up, my ankle is still twisted from playing tag with Andrea last week"
Simon swallowed, a little pit opening in his stomach, "Yes" he said, "But hold my phone". The will–nest–hat was on quite a high branch, and so to reach it, Simon had to stretch his body out along the branch to reach it, his brothers waiting below, hands out.
From his view, through the leaves he could see his father's hat with the short brim and the bolded net worth on what could have been the front or the back.
"Can you reach it?" asked Benjamin.
Simon stretched farther and with a sinking feeling in his heart, he eyes snagged on his nameand to my eldest, Simon, whose only wise action was in being the first and least useless of my sons I leave my estate in its entirety". His heart beat faster as he imagined all the possibilities of that wealth.
"Be careful, Si!" Isaac called from below. "Keep steady"
Simon had reached out for the will and grasped it as two things happened simultaneously. He heard his little brother's voice from below, tense with concern, and a sudden breeze from the north west spiraled through the tree shaking the leaves. His fingers let go. The paper tugged free.
The brothers watched as, yet again, the will slipped beyond their reach, blown into the bright blue sky. It tumbled, caught in an updraft, like an invisible hand had flung it skyward.
"Well shit" said Isaac, without heat in his voice. "What a shame," said Benjamin. "Do you need a hand down, Simon?"
The brothers stood on the ground and looked at each other.There was a long silence.
"I suppose..." said Benjamin "It can't have gone far," Isaac said "I feel sure it will be in the Medium Sized Meadow" said Benjamin "We should also check the small pond" said Isaac "So, next Sunday, then?" Simon asked
"I'll bring those brownies you wanted to try" said Isaac "Andrea will like that. Bring her along"
"That sounds good, but I'm quite hungry now" said Benjamin, "Shall we get a bite of lunch?"